"Kirstie, where are you?
I've been trying to call you for the last two days, and I can't get an answer
I went to your apartment, and I couldn't see you there
I hope you're not out with that Drrty Dick man
I'm telling you he's no good
He won't respect you like I do
Just give me a call back whenever you get this
I love you!"

You know this Drrty Dick, he's a slick mother-mother
Got one thing on his mind

I see your grlfren, you know imma call her
And if she answers you and her are over
Overtly covert, cameltoe attackin'
If you call right now you can hear the booty smackin'
I'm a gentleman with no reservations
The lady had me over for a private cheese tastin'
I ain't gonna waste none, imma lick it all up
You know Drrty Dick is the diggetydankest baller

She knows you a sucka, she knows you a scrub
Chumps like you can't get no love
Now you askin' me over and over and over again
"Mister wontchu please not steal my grlfren?"
Mister wontchu please?
"I think that she's my grlfren"
Mister wontchu please?

Ay girl this is Drrty Dick that slick brother love you wanna funk with
Come and suck my kiss, lick where you wish
You can help me wash up all my dirty bits, you heard of this
And then you got the itch
I betcha got the inclinations of a bad bitch
And that's a real good thing
Sensually, sexually
The six inch apocalypse is gonna getcha eventually

She knows you a soy boy, she knows you a simp
While you be poppin' pimples she pop-lockin' on a pimp
Why you askin' me over and over and over again
"Mister wontchu please not steal my grlfren?"
Mister wontchu please?
"Kirstie's my grlfren"
Mister wontchu please?

Ooeee, Drrty Dick be pervin'
Baby girl I'm hurtin' to meet your meat curtains
You keep twerkin' it for my gherkin
See I'm certain to turn your toes into turban wraps
With my pap smear
Slurpin' at your snatch dear
They call me a butt connoisseur
Baileys' and Kahlua
Drrty Dick is gonna lick your hoo-ha
Pop your cork and pork a hole right through ya
Bottoms up honey, I'm about to baby goo ya

She knows you sad boi, she knows you a sap
Step to me and you gonna get a slappin'
Quit askin' me over and over and over and over and over
"Mister wontchu please not steal my grlfren?"
Mister wontchu please?
"Don't you see that she's my grlfren?"

"Hello, my name is Mervin, and I'd like to give you a piece of my mind
See, Kirstie and I, we've been going steady for quite some time now
We're at the stage where we're holding hands...and such
We went on a date, and we went to IKEA
I bought some new furniture for her apartment
And she's a special flower to me
I don't think that you are any good for her, mister
I don't know what you do, if you're a drug dealer or a pimp or something
But it makes me very upset
You better watch your back, mister
I know some very good lawyers
Well, anyway
This is Mervin, by the way"

You know this Drrty Dick he's a slick mother-mother
Got one thing on his mind